holy cow, it's been forever!!

let me just say, i've been a mom for almost 3 months. hence the lack of blogging. DSO is officially Daphne Scott O. she's soooooo pretty. i'll try to post some pictures soon. for now, i'm just happy to be typing, finally!!!

it's been an INCREDIBLY tough road. like, "why in the heck did we decide to do this?!?!" tough. but becoming better. the rough days aren't so often. i'm only crying maybe once a week instead of, like, everyday. and i think we have a happy, chatty girl on our hands.

let me start at the beginning. after having to be induced 4 days past my due date, being in pretend labor for 18 hours, having a c-section, being in a recovery room for 6 hours due to blood loss, being put in a room near the OR in case i needed to back in, then finally getting our own room THE NEXT DAY, i should have known the road would be harder than expected.

readers, i was blinded to reality by my pretty, pretty girl.

first off, recovery was a word i shouldn't say. i was finally walking more like me and less like Frankenstein at about 4-5 weeks postpartum. makes for losing weight kinda crappy. chris was AMAZING. he took care of daphne and took care of me like a champion. every single day i praise the Lord for the wonderful husband and father chris is. i have a new found appreciation for single moms and pray for them all the time.

secondly, breastfeeding. another thing that is a word i shouldn't say. at almost 3 months, it's HARD. i keep wondering what it's supposed to feel like. i'm pretty sure i'm not supposed to have sore boobs all day. get ready for some over sharing... between my short nipples, daphne's shallow latch, and lazy suck, nursing can take anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour. with about an hour and a half break (IF i can get her to nap), then we're at it again. i decided to pump and bottle feed her breast milk, but that attempt only lead to my milk supply dropping like crazy. and, the more often daphne got bottles, the more upset she would become. oi. so, we're back at breastfeeding every 2.5 to 3 hours. i will say, i've pretty much made our Netflix subscription beyond worth it. i'm currently watching about 4-5 episodes of Felicity each day. i'm made a conscious decision to enjoy breastfeeding even through the pain and frustration. it's still quite a struggle, but we're getting *a bit* better.

thirdly, naping and a routine. what is that? like, for real. she's been sleeping through the night since about 3 weeks old. yes, i do thank God for that. just in the last 4 weeks or so she's sleep for about 7 hours before i feed her, sleep for another 3 hours, then be up for the day. thus, i'm typing at 6:45am.keep in mind that while she sleeps that long, i still get maybe 5-6 hours of sleep in a 24 period. during the day time, getting her down for a nap pretty much sucks. we have to do all manner of bouncing, rocking, singing, shoving pacifiers in her mouth, swaddling, unswaddling for about 20-30 minutes before she goes down. then i eat, run to the bathroom, drink some water (lots because who know when i can again), cry a little because i'm tired, and pray that she at least sleeps for a half hour. i'm lucky if we can get 2-3 naps out of her. some days, it's just one... needless to say, we're working on these things. we have like 3-4 good days, then she changes the rules on us. such a girl.

although, we may have turned a new leaf. as with everything, though, it's not without drama.

she found her thumb this past saturday. and she likes it. she has gone to sleep on her own at 3 times since her discovery, and even comforts herself back to sleep at night with it. i'm torn. you see, one can take away a pacifier. i can't take away her thumb. i've been trying to pull her thumb out and slip her pacifier in, but it just makes her very, very mad. she's never been a fan of the pacifer, and i'm coming to realize that she really won't like them now. but hey, SHE GOT HERSELF TO SLEEP. i mean, remember what i said one paragraph ago? exactly.

but, you know, i love my little girl. now that we're gotten somewhat better with her feedings an are getting her sleep a bit more, she's really quite a happy little girl with a cheerful disposition. she smiles all the time, and is super chatty. she LOVES to sit and talk to dad, and interact with us. she likes to grab her toys and try to get them into her mouth. she's learning to enjoy tummy time a bit more. she likes to make sure we're looking at her and paying attention to her. and as insane as our life has become, it's starting to feel more and more normal. chris is still learning to be okay with the fact that leaving the house takes at least twice as long as it used to. and that we have to carry all sorts of things with us when we do. but, we're so happy. we have such a cute little family.

i  just keep reminding myself that there's a learning curve to being a mom. and an even bigger one for learning to be alive.

so, i think i'll let you take all of that in, and i'll get something to eat before my crazy and fun day begins.

tomorrow is DSO's due date...

and i'm pretty sure she doesn't know about it. me? oh i know. and i'm pretty much done with being pregnant. we had dinner with my parents and sister this last week, and my sister asked how i was feeling. i looked at her and said, "do you really want to know?" her response, "yes. everything." so i answered, like crap. and my mom said, "oh leilani. you don't feel like that. you just feel kind of heavy!" i looked at them and was like, "okay. i just feel kinda heavy. except the skin on my stomach feels like it's about to rip open. i can't sleep ever. i'm ALWAYS tired. my belly ALWAYS feels like it's about to fall off. i'm tired of being hungry ALL THE TIME. and don't get me started on my special lady parts."

i'm convinced that NO ONE really tells you what being pregnant is really like until you actually are. lame. i'm also convinced that EVERYONE needs to be pregnant at some point just so they can understand what it's like. then again, maybe being 4'10 and pregnant is harder than being, you know, average height and pregnant. darn my lack of height!!!!

one of the biggest thing i've learned about being with child is how to NOT treat pregnant women. you'd think personal space and general common decency wouldn't just disappear when a pregnant woman walks into the room. so, for those of you who don't know, here is a list of things you are never to ask or say to a pregnant woman. sadly, i have said some in the past....

1) wow! you're really getting big!

2) you'll NEVER make it to you're due date?

3) it's just one?

4) you're sure it isn't twins?

5) well, they said it's a boy/girl, but let me tell you about my friend/neighbor/daughter who ended up having the other gender...

6) that is going to be a BIG baby.

7) how are you feeling?

8) are you excited?

9) is dad excited?

10) you look REALLY tired.

11) you know what you should do?

12) well, when i was pregnant....

13) is the baby here yet?

14) is they baby here yet?

15) is the baby here yet?

oh, and my personal favorite, from a random stranger on tuesday night.... do you have any stretchmarks??

and most of these come from friends and family!!! well, except for the ones that come from lame strangers at the AAA office. like that lady who just HAD to tell us about how horrible her period was and how her cramps make her face swell, so she was scared to have babies. yeah. i don't know what happens to people when they see a pregnant lady.... and the belly touching!!! if you're family or friend, or even just ask first, it isn't too bad. but really server from CPK? really???

and all of the twin questions. you think i don't already feel like a huge balloon? now you're telling me that i look so *expletive* huge that there must be twins inside?? oi! or the people that say, that she's gonna be huge. hey, my torso is the size of your eyelash. leave me alone! a lovely old man at church referred to me as "fatso" for a while. this was until i looked at him and said, "well, i am pregnant. what's your excuse?" a bit mean, maybe? but really. come on!

all venting aside, who knew that being pregnant would teach you such patience with people and they're lameness? i think it must be part of the design. i'm gonna have to have A TON of patience once she gets here. believe me. any offspring of mine and chris will probably need lots and lots of patience!

other than that *which really only drive me crazy the closer i get to the end* it's been pretty amazing. when she's dancing around inside, chris and i can't help but marvel at the fact that there is an ACTUAL human inside. God already has this amazing plan for her. she has a personality, a smile, an attitude that will likely get her in trouble one day, and a future that i can't even imagine. i hate to think about how fast she'll grow up. how in the grand scheme of life, we have such a small amount of time with her.

i can't wait to have her here. i want to see what she looks like. who she she looks like. who's features i'm upset about her getting. if she'll have my AMAZING hair. if she'll have one eyebrow.... but mostly because i know that this has been the easy part. and i can't wait to see what happens next.

now, if i could only get her on board with coming soon....

another fun little update...

i don't have gestational diabetes!!!!! aaaaaaand, my blood pressure is still holding at fairly good. the ob basically said that everything was going as well as it could be, and she's way happy with my progress. total weight gain at almost 31 weeks? 15 pounds. not too bad!

now the goal is to maintain this good blood pressure until at least 36 weeks.

dude. that's 5 weeks away....

the mega blood work and latest events...

so, that 3 hour glucose tolerance test wasn't *too* bad. i mean, the blood draws were okay. considering i had to get 4 different pricks. the beverage wasn't all that horrible tasting. DSO was jumping off the uterus from it, though. that was fun. and slightly painful.... i was eyeing the water cooler the whole time, and man was i excited to be able to drink from it! then, after about 15 hours of fasting, chris took me to Bob's Big Boy, where i had the most amazing bacon cheeseburger. i kinda want another one right now....

i did happen to spend a few hours at Labor and Delivery last week. all is well. everything was fine. i had been feeling this strange sharp pain on my left side for about a day, and figured i should call the OB's office. they said to go to L&D and get it checked out. needless to say, i was a bit freaking out-y. it turned out to be nothing; most likely stretching muscles and/or DSO kicking in a not fun way. well for me. but, we were able to listen to her heartbeat the whole time we were there. although, i don't think either one of us was too much of a fan of the process... those monitors are strapped on too tight in my opinion, and she kept kicking at them and moving around. i'm kinda afraid of her level of energy once she's actually here...

thanksgiving was super fun. it was a santa maria year for thanksgiving, so we made the trek up to chris' homeland and spent a fabulous 4 days lounging and eating. i'm thinking i might have gained a bit too much... we got to spend some time with our friends who live in colorado now, gabe and jen. not only was it nice to spend a day with them, fabulous weather made for a fun time in santa barbara. i even did some shopping. i heart shopping! it was also a good chance to spend some time with the in-laws. especially considering i have no clue when we'll be able to head up there again.

this is what happens when i don't update!!

i still have another event! my 30 week ultrasound.

we went because some marker in an earlier test showed a slight risk in low birth weight. thus, they wanted a 30 week growth scan to make sure DSO was growing on target. aside from being nervous that something might be wrong, i was excited because we were gonna see her again! long story short, all was well. she's growing fabulously, and is looking really good! the tech did some 4D pictures and chris decided that she had my nose and his scowl. poor kid....

i failed to mention....

11 pounds. that's the running total of weight gain. 11 pounds in *was was* 27 weeks. pretty awesome if you ask me!

i have an appointment at 30 weeks, which is in two weeks from today. then every 2 weeks, i believe. so we'll see how high that number actually gets. crossing my fingers for no more than 20 to 25!

although, as long as my face doesn't get too fat....

readers, i have entered the 3rd trimester.

rather insane if you ask me. and looking to POSSIBLY become complicated. but hopefully not.

for starters, my glucose screening test did not go so well. in fact, it was very not well. the cutoff for high blood sugar is140. me? i was 171. yuck. so now, i have to do the three hour test. which, were it not for the FOUR BLOOD DRAWS required, wouldn't be too bad. not to mention the fact that my veins are crap when i'm not hydrated, and i have to take this test on an 8-12 hour fast. water included. but, i mean, if i'm willing to even consider a natural birth, i guess i can handle all the poking. the thing is, i'm worried about finding out i have gestational diabetes. i guess it couldn't happen to a *slightly* more prepared person, considering chris is type 1 and i worked in an endocrinology clinic for about 3 years, but still. however, it i do have it, i'd rather know and work with it to make sure DSO and i are as safe as possible.

now for the second... before being pregnant, i had blood pressure issues. like, for years. i was on meds for a while and everything. since becoming pregnant, my numbers have been BEAUTIFUL. like enough to make me want to call my doctor and tell her to get a new machine or something. but, because of that, i'm at risk of preeclapsia/hypertension/toxemia, whatever you want to call it. if this does become a problem, it can be pretty bad. so, i had a *lovely* blood draw to get a toxemia baseline. because, you know, it's always nice to know what things look like when you don't have any issues! for now, my blood pressure is still good, i haven't been swelling strangely, but there are some things here and there that keep me kinda worried.

part three: allergies. i'm pretty sure that's what i'm suffering from. except, aside from the congestion and what have you, my ear hurts too. its rather annoying and kinda becoming more painful. this makes my head hurt which makes me freak out about the aforementioned issue...

but then, DSO kicks all crazy, and i think to myself, i'm having a baby. as scared as i am to have any complications, i know i will be monitored and the most important thing on everyone's mind will be to keep both me and DSO safe.

besides, God's already got this one in the bag.

there's a party going on, and it seems that i'm the venue

seriously.

DSO is starting to pack a mean punch. it's pretty much visible to whoever may be constantly observing me. she likes to kick/punch/headbutt (i really have no clue what goes on in there) chris. the best though.... she kicked rubi. rubi has taken to trying her hardest to lay as close as physically possible to me. she tries incessantly to sleep on my belly. apparently i'm not the only one that doesn't like it. the other night she was half on my belly when DSO started her shenanigans. and i guess rubi felt it because to jumped up and stared really hard at where she had been laying. then looked at me and all over the place. my poor little dog was confused! i, however, thought i was hilarious!

lets see.... according to the regular dr, my cold was more of an allergy flare up. and i need to drink more water. umm, sir, can you explain to me how to drink more water? i'm downing at least 90 oz a day.... but, i'll do what i must to keep pre-term labor away. oh, that's me newest fear. pre-term labor. it's like i can never just not be worried about something. i'm doing better though! i promise! well, ask chris if i'm doing better. he's the one that sees my worrying first hand. oh, and leg cramps are the suck.

in other news, i'm in a wedding this weekend. should be fun. i close friend of mine from grad school is getting married and asked me to be a bridesmaid long before DSO came along. now she gets to join the party too. all of 6 full months of her.

although, i think i don't look too bad. in fact, while i feel huge, i don't think i look too huge. until other people oh so kindly point out that i'm sooooo big already. i just kindly remind them that i'm about 2 feet tall, with a 3 inch torso. i mean, honestly, where else is this kid gonna go! i've only gained about 10 lbs the thus far *the official count comes on wednesday at the ob's office*, and it's really all belly, so whatever! i look stinking cute!

okay, enough random rambling....

i'm sick...

i miss drugs. although, in light of my last post, this should be a piece of cake!

it started around Wednesday, then progressively got worse. it makes me unhappy. i don't like feeling like crap.

being sick is totally for the birds....

on a happier note, DSO doesn't seem to be phased by my being sick. chris felt her kick my stomach out. totally strange and alien-y. mix that and having my little rubi sleeping on the couch next to me, and i'm not too bad.

25 weeks down, 15 to go....

i can't believe it. 25 weeks. that's 5 and a half months. and let me tell you, i'm CLEARLY pregnant. we went to my in-law's house this weekend, and my *fabulous* father-in-law had the audacity to look at my belly and say "WHOA!" too funny! although, i'm kinda wondering what will happen when i hit week 35..... eeek!

things have been going fairly well. that whole tooth extraction turned out to be a non-issue. in fact, it went so wonderfully that my dentist decided that he couldn't wait for DSO to get here so he could get the other 3 out. what a nice guy....

DSO seems to be growing well too. i mean, i'm growing, and she's kicking up a storm. she has her sleepy days, but even then, she likes to let me know that she's still a strong kid. i'm slightly worried about what her energy level is gonna be like when she's here. although, she'll be a kid, so i'm sure it'll be through the roof. plus, she's a blend of both chris and i, so i'm pretty sure she's be crazy. but, with fabulous black hair and a great ability to tan. not to mention her bilingual skills. yeah, she's gonna be pretty awesome.

aside from that, i've been doing A TON of labor and delivery thinking these days. it's a pretty daunting thing when you have nothing to compare it to. i mean, i can listen to my friends and family who have been there, but i have NO CLUE what i'm in for. thus, i've made a decision. some might find it crazy, but i've made up my mind.

i'm gonna go natural. well, not home birth, natural. believe me, i don't have that kind of determination! but, i wanna do this without drugs. prayerfully. just chris and i, and my mom in the room reading scripture or something of that nature.

i really have nothing against drugs, or people who use them. really. i just really want to go without. i wanna feel it. i know that sounds BEYOND CRAZY. but, if God created me for any one thing *outside of giving Him glory* it was to birth children. that's literally what my body was created for. and, i know i can do it. will i refuse medical intervention when needed? no. i'm not THAT crazy. i mean, will be birthing at a fabulous hospital for that very reason. but, i really want to do this.

thus said... start praying now!

i've made it thus far...

so no one told me that pain after actual extraction was worse the procedure itself.

i was FREAKING OUT like you wouldn't believe the whole way to the dentist, sitting in the waiting room, taking that last minute trip to the potty, and sitting in the chair waiting for it all to begin. really. i was shaking. i could hear my heart pounding in my head.

so i began to pray.

i prayed for it to be fast. i prayed to not feel anything. but mostly i prayed for DSO to be safe. for her not be hurt in any way by my stupid decision to never get this tooth pulled out before now.

and you know what? she was kicking me most of the time. i think she could pick up on those moments when i started to freak out, because that's when she started to kick. it was pretty cool.

so now, i'm praying more that the tylenol 3 and amoxicilin that they gave me really won't hurt her *like my ob and dentist said they wouldn't*, and that this soreness will be the worst pain that i feel.

on a happier note, i only have 2 cavities to worry about. however, he wants to take my other 3 wisdom teeth out. lame....

you get another letter...

while this post if more about me whining about my tooth having to come out, i'll give you a tidbit of baby for your fill... her first initial is d. DSO. that's her name. well for you anyway. i'm convinced that chris and i need to start saving for her future as a gymnast. at least, that's what it feels like her future will be.... i'm guess that everything is still okay considering my outrageous 4 full on meals yesterday, and that HORRIBLE heartburn last night. seriously. worse than morning sickness. it made me go back to my "this may the the only kid you ever get..." mentality. but, you know, i made it through. maybe not so many enchiladas for dinner next time?? but they were soooooooooo goooooooood....

okay. to my tooth. i'm coming out tomorrow. i've pretty much come to terms with it. but i'm still freaked out. mostly because i don't like pain. when i told my friend amy's mom that i was probably still gonna be curled up in a corner by monday, she said, "and what do you think is gonna happen when that baby comes out?" chris told her that i was looking at this as some sort of prep. she laughed.... but yeah. it'll be okay. i know it will be. then come thursday night, it'll be all over with, and i'll just look forward to after DSO comes and they can put me to sleep for the rest of them to come out.

ugh, total suck.

chris gets stuck with all the ladies...

we're having a girl. yay!!!!!!!

actually, i would have been happy regardless, but i was pretty convinced that she was a girl already. after we found out chris told me that he was pretty sure the baby was a girl too. she has a name, and we call her by it already. for now though, you all will still know her as _SO. she'll have her dad's middle name. my mom thinks it's crazy, but i kinda really like that i get to give the name to a girl.

on another, not so nice note.... i need a wisdom tooth pulled. talk about the suck.

you see, i've been too scared to go to the dentist *even though i've had insurance for about 5 years now* because i KNOW that my wisdom teeth need to come out. but, you know, i'm scared! the lower left one bothers me every so often, but i can usually power through the 3 or 4 days it'll hurt during those 4 or 5 times a year that it hurts.

fast forward to this monday. the pain came back. i didn't think too much of it, since, i FINALLY made dentist appointments for us for 2 weeks from now.

anywho, monday night i looked at said tooth. to space you details, it wasn't pretty. i called the dentist the ob on tuesday morning and she said to check with the dentist. so, i go to the dentist. he wants the tooth out. apparently there is bacteria pooling in my back there gums. thus being dangerous for the little girl in my uterus. ergo, i need to get it out....

but, that means i get only local anesthetic and not the strongest drugs for after.

i keep reminding myself that it's more important for me to deal with the pain than for _SO to be healthier during her time inside.

oi. to be a mother....

this just gets stranger and stranger.....

so the baby moves all the time. well, maybe not all the time, but enough for me to look down and say to it, "what are you doing in there?!?!?"

but, you know, the movement makes me feel better about the growing, so it's not too bad. speaking of growing, i totally am! as soon as i get a good picture at 20 weeks *also known as this coming saturday* i'll post it up. it's like in the last 5 days its starting to look like there's a baby in there. although, my mom was only really convinced after hearing the baby's heartbeat at the dr this week.

about the doctor, everything is growing fine. good strong heartbeat of 160, and growing totally normally at 19 weeks, also known as month 5. we totally know the gender, but i'm not gonna tell you until we've as least told every grandparent.

but, knowing all of this makes it really real. having seen a fully functioning heart, kidneys, brain, watching all the moving on that screen.... i mean, this is really happening!

the times, they are a-change-in....

there really is no other way to start this.

readers. we're having a baby. it's true.

and, i'm pretty sure we have no idea what we're doing. i'm looking at all these reviews for baby stuff, and i'm totally lost. like, just because this person like this crib but this person doesn't, should i like it? or be unsure about it? and you need a bassinet too? but only for a little while, right? then there are all these requirement other people have about what you should and shouldn't do. oi vey....

this is all too much to think about.

plus, i'm getting fatter. it's the good kind of fat. you know the kind that means your doing something good. at the same time, i've spent my whole like trying not to gain any weight. which, for an over weight mexican girl is pretty freakin hard. although, i like to think that for the last few years, i've been pretty good at it. but since i started out, you know, not skinny, i keep wondering if i look pregnant. chris tells me i do. my family tells me i do. and i KNOW my pants no longer fit. but, i mean, all those skinny girls actually LOOK PREGNANT. i think i just look a bit fatter. but not in my face. oh, please let me gain weight everywhere else, but not in my face!

the other thing, which is even greater than the weight part is this constant worry about whether or not the baby is okay. i haven't really felt the baby yet, i don't think. or maybe i have and i just don't know it! so i worry. although, i'm probably the biggest worrier you'll ever meet anyway. but, then the hunger hits me. it's like a hunger that i have never known. and it happens every day. this hunger reminds me that the baby is probably okay. that and the random crying.

mostly though, i sit and look at chris, then at my belly, smile, and say, "what in the world are we doing???"

so, i'm pretty much a semi-real wedding coordinator

which i think is pretty cool. i actually kinda like it.

last year i worked on the most insane wedding ever. for real. 700 guests an everything. but, it started on time, ended on time, was cleaned and the keys returned on time. amazing.

this year, i've helped in on a few weddings, but i'm all on my own in coordinating for my dear friend, gracie. she's getting married next month, and i'm uber excited. i can have visions of how amazing it's going to be. plus, weddings are fun! and, i'm a sucker for details, planning, and getting things done. at least for other people....

we've had a few planning meetings up to now, and i'm surprised by how much they trust me, and take me seriously. like, i'm for real! then i listen to what comes out of my mouth and how i help them problem solve, and think, "holy mother, i can do this!" i crack up when momma baldwin is surprised by my non-shock and complete calmness. i always look at her and say, "hey, i'm a social worker. i was trained to be that way!"

but, you know i realized today, i enjoy this. and, i'm pretty good at it. sure,i have a master in social work. but, what could be more social than a wedding?!?!?

kidding.

but i can totally see it becoming a total side thing.

i am a MASTER!

i have been for about 3 days now.

and my house is a lot cleaner than it was on friday...

my books are organized, i've tossed TONS of paper work, and i've cried far more than i ever intended too. oh. and i've applied to quite a few jobs. haven't gotten any phone calls, though. stink.

so yeah, graduation was AMAZING. mostly because it meant that i was finished. mostly, i enjoyed the food that we ate at my party later. i'll have to post some pictures here soon....

but, i was telling chris about how we were all saying good bye after the graduation, me and my classmates, and it felt like we were going to see each other again. like, our goodbyes were more of a see you later. the thing is, i don't know when i'll see any of them. i mean, my MSW bestie, tfan, i'm sure i'll see her like a million times this summer, but i don't know about the others. not to say that i don't want to. i'll have to make some things happen.

and, another thing. i wish people would stop telling me that i'm on vacation, and asking how my vacation is going. i'm done. this isn't a vacation. it's life. i have pretty much endless hours of house cleaning, tanning, and netflix in my horizon.

yeah. i totally need a job.

today is my last day of school

and i can't belive it. all my work. all my sleeplessness. all my stress about writing. all the driving twice a week.

it's done.

yeah. it's totally done.

well, after class today. so, in about 10 hours it'll be done, but still.

we had our hooding ceremony and dinner last night, and it was awesome. i sang For Good, from Wicked, with my friend des, while another friend, karen, played the piano. we didn't practice enough, but some how it worked out. the song sounded AMAZING. i had to stop myself from looking at about 6 key people, lest i cry my way through it.

but, i'm really sad. i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm IN LOVE with the fact that school is over, but i'm really sad about losing my constant contact with my friends.

i was commenting to chris one our way home from the ceremony that this has been a very different educational experience. because, like, in undergrad, i didn't really graduate with any friends. in fact, i didn't really have those kind of friends in undergrad. but this program, we've been in it together for 2 years. and even those who came in later, well, they've become part of the family and i can't imagine them not being there.

i'm so sad to not see all of my friends twice a week. but i'm so excited to see where we go, and what happens in our futures.

Azusa Pacific University MSW graduates, we made it! saturday is our big day! all our work will show, and we can now really start!

i cried the whole way home from school today

it's true. i totally did.

i mean, I'M FINISHING GRAD SCHOOL!!!

i likened it to when mothers cry after giving birth. yeah, know i don't have kids, but i imagine its because you just can't believe what you have, and what you did, and what you created.

that's what my MSW kinda is for me. although, it totally would have been nice to only have 9 months of school... but, yeah, it's kinda emotional. i've been so stressed about my homework *and i still have this paper that i'm supposed to be writing. in my defense, it's organized in my head* that the hugeness of this hasn't really hit me.

all of the friends i've made... i won't get to see them twice a week anymore. the internships i've had... i'm actually going to have to work more than 16 hours a week. the school i've invested so much time *& money* into... i won't ever need to drive those 43 miles 4 times a week. all the sitting in front of a computer... i won't have assignments anymore.

all this time, energy, emotion, lack of sleep, brain power, anger, frustration, fear, joy... it's becoming something. 11 days from now, it will all be over. and it will all be a distant memory...

heck, yes, is that something to cry over!!

so graduation is two weeks and one day away...

and my eyes are tired of looking at the computer. i'm tired of thinking about the same three therapy models. and i'm tired of looking at the rubric for this HORRID paper. i promise i'm not exaggerating. i'm really glad that they saved this paper for the last, or i might have dropped out a few semesters ago. the good thing is that after this paper, i only really have one. sure, i need to type like a maniac to get them both done when i want, but i'm pretty sure i'll be okay.

besides, UPS delivered something magical today. MY CAP, GOWN, AND HOOD. yeah, i'm pretty much official. only these two papers in my way. and my thesis project poster. but, i got some fabulous help from my pretty friend, miss baldwin. i heart kindergarten teachers. so, besides all that, and the two weeks and one day...

i'm almost there!!! thank the LORD!!!!

i'm home sick, doing homework, and t minus 31 days 'til graduation

i hate homework. i really do. i keep going back to my life at this same point of each semester, and for some reason, this kinds feels worse.

it's like, you know when you have to pee? and you don't really think about it too much. until you get closer to a restroom. you can see the restroom in your head. then, you can actually see the restroom. then, you see crowds of people between you and the restroom. and a line. don't forget the line. eventually, you know you'll pass the crowds, stand like a normal person that line, and actually make it to your final, awaited stall.

it's kind like that. i can see the end point. i can see the crowds and the line. and i feel like it mike be a little dicey on time, but i know i'll make it.

then, i think about the fact that in 31 days i will be done. this thing that i've been struggling through for the last 2 years will be completed, and i'll be left looking back. i think that's the part i'm most interested about. the part where life goes on. you see, chris and i had this plan. and it isn't looking like it's panning out. which is totally fine. you know, re-evaluation is totally okay.

but, you see, i got these two super beautiful invitations in the mail. one, for a friend's wedding *that i totally can't go to. tre sad!* and another for my bff's baby shower *eeeee!!*. they were like this reminder that life totally goes on beyond grad school. i mean, i know, subconsciously that it does, but still.

i haven't really thought about it. in the real sense. as opposed to the dream/hope sense. as in, i really need to get a job, or i'll be sitting at home doing nothing. i kinda knew this, but i mean, FOR REALS. outside of all of the billion weddings i'm going to this year *and the baby shower that i can't wait to attend!*, i have no real, actual, constant, concrete plans.

it's kinda scary.