i am a MASTER!

i have been for about 3 days now.

and my house is a lot cleaner than it was on friday...

my books are organized, i've tossed TONS of paper work, and i've cried far more than i ever intended too. oh. and i've applied to quite a few jobs. haven't gotten any phone calls, though. stink.

so yeah, graduation was AMAZING. mostly because it meant that i was finished. mostly, i enjoyed the food that we ate at my party later. i'll have to post some pictures here soon....

but, i was telling chris about how we were all saying good bye after the graduation, me and my classmates, and it felt like we were going to see each other again. like, our goodbyes were more of a see you later. the thing is, i don't know when i'll see any of them. i mean, my MSW bestie, tfan, i'm sure i'll see her like a million times this summer, but i don't know about the others. not to say that i don't want to. i'll have to make some things happen.

and, another thing. i wish people would stop telling me that i'm on vacation, and asking how my vacation is going. i'm done. this isn't a vacation. it's life. i have pretty much endless hours of house cleaning, tanning, and netflix in my horizon.

yeah. i totally need a job.

i cried the whole way home from school today

it's true. i totally did.

i mean, I'M FINISHING GRAD SCHOOL!!!

i likened it to when mothers cry after giving birth. yeah, know i don't have kids, but i imagine its because you just can't believe what you have, and what you did, and what you created.

that's what my MSW kinda is for me. although, it totally would have been nice to only have 9 months of school... but, yeah, it's kinda emotional. i've been so stressed about my homework *and i still have this paper that i'm supposed to be writing. in my defense, it's organized in my head* that the hugeness of this hasn't really hit me.

all of the friends i've made... i won't get to see them twice a week anymore. the internships i've had... i'm actually going to have to work more than 16 hours a week. the school i've invested so much time *& money* into... i won't ever need to drive those 43 miles 4 times a week. all the sitting in front of a computer... i won't have assignments anymore.

all this time, energy, emotion, lack of sleep, brain power, anger, frustration, fear, joy... it's becoming something. 11 days from now, it will all be over. and it will all be a distant memory...

heck, yes, is that something to cry over!!

so graduation is two weeks and one day away...

and my eyes are tired of looking at the computer. i'm tired of thinking about the same three therapy models. and i'm tired of looking at the rubric for this HORRID paper. i promise i'm not exaggerating. i'm really glad that they saved this paper for the last, or i might have dropped out a few semesters ago. the good thing is that after this paper, i only really have one. sure, i need to type like a maniac to get them both done when i want, but i'm pretty sure i'll be okay.

besides, UPS delivered something magical today. MY CAP, GOWN, AND HOOD. yeah, i'm pretty much official. only these two papers in my way. and my thesis project poster. but, i got some fabulous help from my pretty friend, miss baldwin. i heart kindergarten teachers. so, besides all that, and the two weeks and one day...

i'm almost there!!! thank the LORD!!!!

i'm home sick, doing homework, and t minus 31 days 'til graduation

i hate homework. i really do. i keep going back to my life at this same point of each semester, and for some reason, this kinds feels worse.

it's like, you know when you have to pee? and you don't really think about it too much. until you get closer to a restroom. you can see the restroom in your head. then, you can actually see the restroom. then, you see crowds of people between you and the restroom. and a line. don't forget the line. eventually, you know you'll pass the crowds, stand like a normal person that line, and actually make it to your final, awaited stall.

it's kind like that. i can see the end point. i can see the crowds and the line. and i feel like it mike be a little dicey on time, but i know i'll make it.

then, i think about the fact that in 31 days i will be done. this thing that i've been struggling through for the last 2 years will be completed, and i'll be left looking back. i think that's the part i'm most interested about. the part where life goes on. you see, chris and i had this plan. and it isn't looking like it's panning out. which is totally fine. you know, re-evaluation is totally okay.

but, you see, i got these two super beautiful invitations in the mail. one, for a friend's wedding *that i totally can't go to. tre sad!* and another for my bff's baby shower *eeeee!!*. they were like this reminder that life totally goes on beyond grad school. i mean, i know, subconsciously that it does, but still.

i haven't really thought about it. in the real sense. as opposed to the dream/hope sense. as in, i really need to get a job, or i'll be sitting at home doing nothing. i kinda knew this, but i mean, FOR REALS. outside of all of the billion weddings i'm going to this year *and the baby shower that i can't wait to attend!*, i have no real, actual, constant, concrete plans.

it's kinda scary.

7 weeks?

can you believe that's about all that's left for grad school?

i can't.

and the homework. SO. MUCH. HOMEWORK.

i've been attempting to get it done, but i can't seem to bring myself to write too much. it's like, my brain is tired of writing the same thing over and over again. and sometimes, it really does seem like the same thing over and over again! i mean, how many papers can one write about kinship care giving? apparently about 10!

i keep thinking about what it'll be like when i finish school. if i'll find a job. *i've already gotten 2 informal job offers* if i'll go back to being a trophy wife. if my house will actually be clean given i should have time to clean it. if chris will find the new job that he so much desires...

i think i'm stuck on the future without wanting to think about the present. i keep forgetting that i need work just as hard now in order to get what i want for the future.

but really, all i wanna do is sleep. yeah. i just want to sleep.

ps... i'm 3/4 of the way through grad school

yay!!!!

chris is convinced that not only am i a different person once school is done. but our whole house is completely different. i have not sat at the kitchen table with the laptop since wednesday night. honestly. i'm on the desktop right now.

but, as i enter my vacation, i realize how odd if feels to not have any papers to write. or articles to research. or class to attend. or internship to go to.

i'm a trophy wife again. well, at least for two weeks. and darn it, it feels good.

i would like to share with you my homework list...

Organizational & Behavioral Managment
*no assignments due

Human Rights & Sustainable Development
*no assignments due

Advanced Clinical Practice
*no assignments due

Advance Community Practice
-Needs Assessment
-portfolio and presentation: DUE 12/16

Field Seminar
-Capstone Proposal: DUE 12/16

i have written over 87 pages of information in the last two and a half weeks. and i still have about 20 to go.

but then i'll be 3/4 of the way to the MSW...

it's friday night... and i'm tired of homework

i don't think people realize how random social work is. like, real social work, anyway... it's random. like, today, all day, i stuffed envelopes. why? fundraising. yeah, that's social work. gotta keep those non-profits running!

also today, i had a great conversation about my Capstone, thesis-like project with my internship agency's Director of Development. he's a pretty cool guy. anywho, we came up with this plan for my project to a dual city fundraiser, hoping to raise 50k. yeah, $50,000. i would be fine raising $10.

not only does this assignment seem waaaaaay daunting, but it sounds pretty amazing. you see, the funds would go to the agency's program for kinship caregivers. people who take in children you aren't their own, relative or not. so, the program is really important. and raising funds for it to run would be great.

the amazing thing, though, is that they trust me with this plan. i mean, hi, i'm the msw intern... yeah, this is not my real job. but oh if it could be!

so, you see social work is really random. but, it's amazing random. i love it. i'm so happy with my choice in going back to school. even if i am dying trying to get all my assignments done. but still, i can't wait to go out into the world and use this knowledge to create good for others.

two classes down... 3 to go

i think about it, and i see all the assignments that i still have to do, and i wonder how i can think its manageable.. i can't even celebrate the fact that i'm ALL DONE with two classes. hello! did anyone else read that? I FINISHED TWO CLASSES WORTH OF ASSIGNMENTS. thank you.

i live on breaks. i live on funny faces. i live on random videos of dogs with shoes. i live on knowing that other are praying for me. i live on the prayer that i'm doing myself. i live on the knowledge that did this twice last year. i live on the knowledge that i only need to sit at this kitchen table for just one more week. i live on that vision i have of me walking across a stage with tons of may very favorite people yelling my name.

mostly though, i live on the fact that this is all for some purpose bigger than me. i live on the knowledge that i'm being shaped and molded for something greater. that there are plans for my life that i don't know about yet, but somehow, all of this is preparing me for it.

you remember how i wasn't going to make my blog all school-ish?

and i totally did?

sorry. my life is consumed with school right now. and, i currently writing about adjustment disorder.

i LOVE to diagnose people with adjustment disorder. and my people, i mean case studies about people who i will never meet.

but, the reason i love adjustment disorder is because it's so random. not only that, but EVERYONE has it at least 15 times in life. for real. okay, well maybe not for real, but still. it's only diagnosable if it lasts between 3 to 6 months. and, is brought up by a major life stressor. granted, to be diagnosed your response to said stressor needs to greatly impair your life...

but uh, who has never had a major life stressor where your life suddenly feels like you just can't go on because of one thing that happened? umm, i have!

i feel like i'm living in a perpetual state of adjustment disorder.

chris and i were just talking about how i only have one semester and 2 weeks left of grad school. *yay* but, i thought about it... in the last three years i have gotten engaged, deferred grad school a year, gotten married, quite a job, started grad school, interned with attorneys for a year, spent a fund a wild summer all over the place, started interning with an administrative regional director of a state wide agency, been given more responsibility than i think i can handle, both in school and out of school.

my role has changed so much in the last three years. i mean, somewhere along the line i became a leader, a student, a professional, a confidant, a best friend, an expert... it's constant adjustment. and, i know i don't really meet all the criteria for adjustment disorder, but still, it sometimes feels like i do.

so, school will be done in two weeks. then it'll be back to bigger and more crazy things at my internship. then in may i'll be able to say that i completed grad school. job? parenthood? who knows!

but, i do know that there will be more adjusting to be had.

tonight was amazing!

not only did the symposium run smoothly, but i'm one assignment closer to the end.

our advanced community practice class was given a Community Change Assignment on the first day of class. so, we decided to have a symposium. a symposium on poverty. to educate people about what poverty looks like, and why it matters to everyone.

went we came up with the idea, i don't think anyone though about all the work we needed to put into it, or what the final product would be. we wanted a panel of speakers, plus some sort of survey, plus something else...

flash forward to tonight.

after all those weeks of preparation, we actually pulled it off. not only did we get an AMAZING panel *who, by the way gave excellent presentations, and are totally experts in their field*, but we had ALMOST 80 people there. yeah. 80!

our professor was in awe about the fact that we pulled it off. dude, i think we were all in awe!

it was fabulous. really. all the hard work. all the last minute stress. and people came, enjoyed it, and left educated.

yeah, grad school rocks.

oh, and... i met with one of my professors about that 20 page management paper. she basically thinks that i have great writing skills, and that my paper was a "pleasure to read." that's great, since my internship expects on me to write grants!

my brain won't funtion...

really... i don't know what it is. i'm tired of typing. i'm tired of thinking about management theories. did i mention that since tuesday, 11/23, i have been working on only one paper. okay. so every now and then work on a grant, chat on facebook *which i need to stop doing*, and im a bit *also something i need to stop doing*... but it's like, i don't know, i can't type anymore... at least nothing meaningful.

the wost part is that i have A TON of knowledge about what i need to write about. but for some reason, i just can't do it. although, i have managed to get through more of my paper than i thought i would over thanksgiving.

but still. according to my planner i'm supposed to be practically finished with this paper. hey, i'm more than half way there, so i guess that's okay...

oi, i really need to get back to writing..

diligence, leilani! diligence!!

oh how life gets in the way

since my last blog post i have...

1) done 13 school assignments *papers, group presentations, other lame stuff*
2) taken the train to my internship downtown about 15 times *spending about 5 bucks each time*
3) lost a snail *miss you charlamayne!*
4) got a new snail *welcome to the family gilberto!*
5) seen rubi way too few times *sad*
6) slept not enough
7) gotten over EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS in grant money for clients
8) done far more research on any subject than i thought was humanly possible
9) resolved 15 cases
10) gone to my cousin's high school baseball game *along with dinner and fun kids doing strange things*
11) gone to an Easter sunrise service
12) watched countless strange movies with chris during dinner
13) been there for my dear friend during a scary health situation
14) bought *too many* new nail polishes
15) done my nails a ga-zillion times
16) done my friends' nails a ga-zillion times
17) not gone running as much as i should
18) gone to the hospital because chris had a strange migraine episode
19) been attacked by my nephews, sam, max, and aussie
20) bought new running shoes *that i still haven't used*
21) made really good friends in grad school
22) sang new songs in church on sunday
23) made plans to spend a week in arizona with chris' great aunt, nina *pray for her, please*
24) emailed lots of places to volunteer over the summer
25) thanked God everyday

life is constantly going. i wake up each morning and wonder when i'll be able to sleep in again. but then i think, i'm breathing, and that's awesome. i pray that in that *small* list of things i've done in the last 2 and a half months, i have been pleasing to God, and glorifying Him at all times.

*besos*

while everyone is enjoying gap...

i'm at home doing this....

not all of it, but just some stuff at the top of the page.

this is list of assignments for this semester.

*sigh*

~besos~

it's done!!!!

semester one is done!!!

~besos~

oh my cow...

right now... i don't like grad school.

actually.. just the papers.. but still.

come on!

~besos~

how is this my fault now!?!?!?!

lame financial aid office!!!

i've had the most annoying time trying to get my school loan processed since before school started. the problem...

my name change.

no, not upset about that. i heart my new name. but, i applied for FAFSA while i was still legally martinez, but the school had o'roark. so, there is a huge issue because, even though the SSN is the SAME, the last names don't match.

so, the week before school started, when i found this out, i called FAFSA and they said that i could not change the name on the original FAFSA, and that i would have to file a new one. i went all the way to apu and met with my advisor, where he told me the same thing, called his supervisor to confirm, and then said, "yeah, you'll have to file again under the new name."

i did that.

now, the school as two FAFSA with two last names but the name SSN. and, for some reason, they can't process them. and, it's MY fault because i filed the second one when i was told that all apu needed me was to change the name on the original FAFSA.

umm, no. you told me that i needed to re-file with my new name!!!

grrrrrrr.....

~besos~

i love mondays

so, i have four days each week where i'm beyond busy with school. technically, i have 7 days each week where i'm beyond busy, but only four days where i actually have to go somewhere. anywho, 2 days where i have lots of things to do (you know, everything always falls on a saturday, and sunday is just crazy busy). but, mondays are fantastic.

i'm usually frantically trying to read books or write papers, or wash dishes, or something. really, monday is my only day where i can catch up on life. as i write this, i realize how crappy my mondays sound.

but they really aren't. and you want to know why?

my super cute, little husband is always sleeping in the bed room. he's not a small guy. i mean, he's slim, but at about 6 ft tall, he takes up a lot more space than i do. so, when i get up in the morning and he's still sleeping, it's fantastic. i walk in there sometimes *tre quietly* and my heart skips a beat when i see him all sleeping and peaceful. the best is when he's curled up in a ball..... and next to teddy. love it!

so, i love mondays. i get to catch up on school work and house work, and i get to be close to one of my greatest blessings. what more could i ask for?

~besos~

i know... it's been a billion years...

lets just say.... school is in full swing. too many things to even begin to write about. i have 20 papers, 2 group presentations, 1 "just me" presentation, and 4 finals... in the next 8 weeks.

*sigh*

why did i want to go to grad school???? ahh yes... to help people. darn my desire to do that!!

*besos*

ps... Jesus is awesome. without Him and His love, i'd be lost. and chris has been a huge help too!

only a week and a half left of work...

exciting?? yes!!! bizarre?? of course!!! i'm excited and freaked out all at the same time. hello, it's been a few years since i was in school full time. not to mention the fact that i have a husband now. AND, to top it all off, half of our income will be gone. funny thing is... i just noticed this verse on my computer...

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end.

They are new every morning.

Great is Your Faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:23

i think this little note with the verse written on it was amy's but it fell out of her bible one day. i picked it up and kept it. it has been taped to my monitor at work for a while now. but, it's perfect for my constant state of worry. besides, He watches over the smallest of birds. how much more will He look out for chris and i, who are His children?

this knowledge is what reminds me that it will all be okay.

*besos*